allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
