I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
