You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
