There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
