Your mouth is God's brothel.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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