I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
