Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
