she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
