There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
