He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
