wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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