i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
