I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
