She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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