I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
