I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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