Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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