i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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