Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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