So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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