i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
