if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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