I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
