she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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