I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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