Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
