On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
