Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
