I puked a lego.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Randomize
