i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
