Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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