Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
