my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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