The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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