At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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