Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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