Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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