bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
