i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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