So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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