If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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