Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize
