"it" just moved
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
