you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
