I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
