70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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