I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
