I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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