if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
