Kiss
Puke
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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