I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize