so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We need to get me chipped asap
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
