Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize