I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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