why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You may now shotgun with the bride
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
