if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
