I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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