I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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