In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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