We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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