There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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